All eyes on me

I just erased a long “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! I’m back!!” because it looked too desperte and silly, but it’s kind of how I feel. I’ve missed blogging immensly, my heart and mind have been dying to put some of my thoughts in big and small letters. At this point, writing my first post in ages, I’m still not sure of how to do this. But I’ve decided THAT is my blog theme and the purpose of me blogging. I’ve decided this will be a journey rather then a goal. I stopped, got off the road and looked at my life with another definition, clarity, severity and intensity then before. It’s an extremly overwhelming experience for me because it’s not my first time changing my life around. I’ve done this before and right now I’m feeling blessed and special being granted going through the same purifying experience twice. The external results differ (a bit) and judgmental people will consider it either as me taking steps backward or forward, but the truth is internal and nobody can see. The truth is that I feel stronger and wiser, but mostly I don’t feel the need to be sure anymore.

One of the most surprising thing about leaving some external islamic practices behind and stepping into the world of the so called free modern woman is how freaking controlled she is. Don’t wear that colour, don’t buy that brand, don’t sit in such a place, don’t party with such people, don’t hang with such guys. You get nowhere without STATUS (and I’m not talking about the Facebook status – even though you almost can’t get anywhere without that one either). My life use to about be getting nowhere without HONOUR. Now it’s about status. Shit man. What an improvement! This time however I’ve directly spotted the fact that I need to find my own place in this sphere rahter then just adjust myself by letting time pass. I’m not just gonna go along.

And believe me, I never did. I was just too freaking polite.

You don’t need to be Einstein to understand that people need different things in different times of their lives. But after having searched and FOUND, it’s easy to stop searching for obvious reasons. That however turned out not to be so smart, in my case. Standing still and firm in one position is neither good or bad, it’s simply standing still. I’m walking now, people! I remember a critical moment right before I decided to wear hidjab some now 12 years ago. I was getting off a bus and had to pass by a drunk who was sitting in the back of the bus. I was wearing some everyday jeans and t-shirt but the drunk whistled at me and said something naughty while I got off. That really bothered me and I really felt like not letting anyone see anything. A few weeks ago I was walking home to my flat having been shopping. I passed by a drunk sitting at a parkbench sipping beer (I can tell the bottles apart these days). He actually whistled and said something like “And there she walks with nice boots”. I turned around and said “Fuck you” and as I kept walking I kind of smiled all to myself and just thought it was a small step for this woman but a huge leap for mankind.

Welcome to Imaan of 2009.